2021 The Beginning

I've never loved someone so deeply. I've never craved someone's touch, kiss, laugh, and love. When we met it was just friendship. Then we both tumbled down into love. It was a hard tumble. Even after we expressed we didn't want that to happen. We had a lot of fun. We had our good days and we had our bad days. But the good always outweighed the bad. The late night drives, blaring music, singing to each other, laughing together. It was a constant. Holding each other, intertwined like a pretzel. I miss it. I miss you. My best friend. 

You stuck by me through a lot and I never got the chance to tell you how much I appreciated you for it. I'm sorry, I got scared. I'm sorry, I left without a good reason. I'm sorry, I never gave you a chance to help me through my problems. I think about you often, I really do. And question if you think of me too. I worry about you, if you're happy, if you're healthy, if you're okay. I wish I could have gotten the chance to truly thanked you for saving my life that night. And please know, if we could go back to that night.. I would have chosen to stay. Sad that I think about that night often and wonder what the fuck I was thinking simply on the leaving part... Like I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to take you home, it was like I couldn't control what I was doing. 

You accepted me for me. It didn't matter how insane I sounded or acted. It didn't matter if I was dressed up to the T's or just crawled out the trailer park. You only saw my heart, never my looks. I have accepted the fact that no matter what I do, I will always love you. You will always hold a piece of my heart. 

I thought I was okay.

And then I saw you.

All the memories hit me.

The emotions rolled in.

I thought I was okay.

Then you smiled.

Our eyes locked.

My heart sank.

I thought I was okay.

That small little thought.

Faded away. 

And now I'm left.

With everything.

Every feeling.

Every thought.

Every touch.

Every kiss.

Every memory.

I thought I was okay.

Now I know...

That I'm not.

Seeing you Monday, my heart didn't just stop, it dropped, I couldn't breathe. I was so scared. I played, probably, five thousand different scenarios in my head of how this was going to go. And when we locked eyes, I almost threw up. I was nervous. You are the only person in this world that has ever made me feel that way. I swore you were taunting me. I begged for you to say something, but you never did. My body was filled with so many different emotions, I didn't know how to feel or even what I was feeling. So... I cried, I screamed, I kept asking myself... why, why now?